Who Am I When No One's Watching? (The Answer Surprised Me)

I thought I'd write my blog within a few minutes. But as soon as I got closer to the time, I found reasons to put it off. A thought - "let's just skip a day" - sat in my mind continuously. But now, I'm writing about something interesting instead.

Why am I different? Have you ever questioned yourself? Being different doesn't mean a big change - just a difference in behaviour. Behaviour when I'm alone, and behaviour with others. The comfort of figuring out answers alone is the best moment. I didn't need to think twice before voicing a doubt. Neither did I need to feel hesitant asking questions. That's the part of me that exists when nobody is around.

A lot of questions, a lot of doubts, chaos all over. While trying to figure out every question, I doubted myself. There's a real difference between me showing up daily and me actually thinking daily.

While writing this blog, I realised I hadn't saved my file. I recalled the time it got mistakenly deleted, and laughed hesitantly. I thought, what if the same thing happens again? But another thought followed - wouldn't it be interesting? I'd get to write it again, the way I did before.

So I wrote the whole thing without saving first - writing, and worrying the whole time that if it got deleted, I'd have to start over, with no guarantee the new version would be as good.

I finished the blog. But I realised I'd messed it up - the words didn't reflect what I'd learned about staying calm. I felt a bit sad, so I wrote it again. I enjoy challenging myself while alone, even when it's frustrating - just not frustrating enough to make me skip writing altogether.

The messed-up draft is still sitting there. I saved it later but never published it.

Choosing to improve myself changed me, even while I stayed the same person underneath. The more calmness I practise, the more I question myself. I'm now living a version of myself I never expected.

Everyone has different versions of themselves when they're alone. That's the time to figure out what needs to be expressed, and what needs to be worked on to become better.

Share your views in the comments.

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