The Uncertainty I Can't Escape - And Why I've Stopped Trying To

No title, no story - just a few words and the mistakes I learn from. That's the whole idea I had been following from day one. Did I need to change something? Am I being comfortable with this idea? These questions had been in my mind for the last few days. Thinking what to write, I had been neglecting them for three to four days. I wasn't sure why I was doubting myself over it.

Thinking about this again and again, experiencing different uncertainties, mistakes; I am sure enough it doesn't demand change. Every day is uncertain enough to write about. Every day I wake up thinking, today's blog would be great, flawlessly written. However, I end up doing a mistake. I didn't do it deliberately, but it's been done. Done in a way I wasn't even aware of. Mostly the grammatical errors.

Even while writing a blog every day, I'm uncertain what I'll write the next minute. I'm uncertain about my thoughts, but not about my learnings. I try to put into words every moment I've learned from.

When I hesitated to write, I questioned my decision to be better through writing. I questioned even writing as a mirror which reflects our true selves. The will to be someone I dream of, to be better, made me show up. My thoughts follow, word by word, in the blog. On the first day, I thought I would be doing the same to improve on my mistakes.

I was wrong. I was wrong being certain.

A few days ago, I experienced blankness. Blankness that barely allowed me to think or write. I learned the significance of silence. A month later, I felt the same blankness. But I didn't learn the same as earlier. I realised I needed to redefine every lesson from the start. A few days before that, I faced the same numbness again. This time, the lesson was different from the other two. Starting again, taking all the key lessons from prior mistakes.

Same experience, different moments with different realisations and learnings. I wasn't sure enough to change my approach because of every unexpected flaw. Uncertainty doesn't let me get comfortable every day.

Questioning myself, I understood myself better.

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