The Day I Questioned Again, I Unlocked a Skill

The Day I Questioned Again, I Unlocked a Skill - Calmness

An incident that happened months ago flashed back yesterday. An unspoken blog that had remained within me for months. But not anymore.

On the very first day, I worded out my thoughts with a wall of fear of judgment. The second day, with a wall of overthinking. The third day, I feared expressing myself less. The fourth day, I didn't overthink anything. At the end of the fifth day, my voice became less hesitant. Different days, different problems, different topics to voice out. Everything was separate except one.

Calmness. Writing with calmness. But what is calmness actually? Is it a mood or a skill? These follow-up questions forced me to think about it. Every day, I need to be silent whenever I try to word out my thoughts. Despite knowing that chaos disturbs thoughts, the question remained the same: what is it actually?

The day got over, but the doubt didn't vanish. I thought, isn't it a mood, just like anger and sadness? But I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure because calmness is different from the other two. Calmness is something mysterious, an emotion to be felt. Having it felt good, and not having it felt bad. It's something that lies between an emotion and a mood. I convinced myself that it's clearly not a mood.

Again, I got stuck in a loop of doubts: what's it? But somehow, a few hours later, my first-ever question, "Do I have a skill?" flashed with multiple notions. "Yes, it's a skill. It's a skill that's been building every day." Saying this, I felt I had got my answer. A skill can't be found anywhere; it's something that has to be built.

A few days before, there was no writing, no wording out; so it was the same with calmness. I didn't have it. I didn't have enough patience to wait for any thought or view, except for perfection. However, for the past few days, I started waiting for every single thought or idea. I waited for every imperfect word to be written. I sat with multiple thoughts without feeling frustrated. That's something I had never done earlier.

As I broke the barrier of hesitation and fear, I expressed myself. I unlocked my first skill: a skill of peace with perseverance.

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