The Day I Realized I Was Too Aware of Myself

I have observed myself too much; it exhausts me nowadays. Every day starts and ends with a goal to understand the reason behind every small moment. A few moments make me learn new things, while some of them just make me recall my old learnings with a few additions. I observed myself so much that sometimes I stopped experiencing things naturally.

Awareness had always helped me write my blogs with much more rawness and honesty. But over-awareness made me predictable in my own reactions. I started noticing every reaction instantly. Every small emotion and feeling became visible to me. Sometimes, I observe myself more than I experience myself.

A few days back, while writing my blog, I noticed something very common in a unique way. I was about to write a word my voice wanted, but I found it wrong. Maybe a loop of improvement held me back from expressing it in my blogs. I tried finding different words for the same thought, but I couldn't.

Being too aware of my flaws, the whole thought vanished from the blog. It wasn't the best, but writing it out could only define its perfection. I became aware faster than I could feel. Every day, completing the blog improves me, but I couldn't ignore my own patterns anymore. Even my calmness started feeling self-observed.

Every experience defines what has been felt and observed. Too many feelings hide observations, and excessive observation wipes out emotions. The perfect balance between the two makes an experience surreal and memorable forever. Too much awareness makes moments complicated.

Realization isn't an effort anymore; it has become a habit on this journey. I could no longer ignore my inner voice. I notice every single thought, despite it being imperfect. My mind even notices my every self-talk. Some moments feel less real because I stay busy understanding them.

Awareness stopped being occasional and became constant.

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